School As Metaphor For Religion

1. In Judaism, school goes for one year, but it seems like 40. Everyone fails the class, but the teacher plays favorites and graduates a few of the students despite their grades. Failure means a year of punishment; graduates get to watch the others suffer, knowing they just got lucky.

2. In Christianity, school goes for one year. There are two teachers-- one who gives out candy and lets you do whatever you want, and one who flogs himself every time you do anything wrong. The class is graded on pass-fail, and the final has only one question: "who's your favorite teacher?" Failure means eternal hellfire with the cool teacher; passing means a field-trip to Disneyland with the masochist.

3. In Islam, students have school for one year, girls sit in the back of the class, and all students start with an A and are graded on merit. Those who pass get to go to the prom. But kids in class who refuse to believe there is only one teacher in the school all fail. Punishment for kids who fail is enforced by the believing students during the school year (who get nice dates to the prom as a reward for creativity) and for all eternity by their teacher, who will stalk them all down and burn them alive himself.

4. In Hinduism, kids go to college for four years and get to pick their classes and their professors. All the seniors get an A and get to hang out with the professors, the juniors get a B and are allowed to feel superior and boss around the other kids, the sophomores get a C but don't care because they are all business majors, and the freshmen get a D and are hazed every day in the fraternities. Kids that aren't yet in college are eaten during snack-time. When the students graduate, they all move to the suburbs for eternity and get real jobs.

5. In Buddhism, kids don't know how long they'll be in school, there are no grades, and there's nothing to do but sit there and stare at the blackboard. The only way to graduate is to decide you really like school and agree to become the professor.

6. In Confucianism, everyone is home-schooled by their grandparents. Everyone majors in etiquette. You graduate when you start having kids of your own.

7. In Taoism, school is awesome-- there are no grades, no teachers, and no one ever wants to graduate. Everyone learns how to get high and kick ass. When the cool kids finally go off to college, they become high school legends.